Meet Minnie, my new BF

There I was, happily exhibiting the signs of the consummate contented man – which I am. I thought that I had it all; that life couldn’t get any better, and then along comes Minnie!

Minnie is my new best friend, and already I don’t want to ever contemplate life without her, such is the impact she has made in these early stages of our blossoming relationship.

She has slotted nicely into my life, along with Wendy and Shirley. You met Wendy a few years ago. She is my constant travelling companion; the one I wouldn’t leave home without, because she operates my sat-nav. Shirley, with her English accent, plays a similar role on Google Maps; but maybe because Wendy came first, Shirley and I don’t have quite the same cosy closeness.

It wasn’t love at first sight with me and Minnie. In fact, I would not have gone after her at all – which is probably the only time in my life that I played hard to get. Minnie came with our new house – she was in residence here before we moved in, and stayed put as part of the deal.

Not initially believing that she was right for me, I even considered moving her on to a home more suited to indolent grass control. Having the time, and wishing to include mowing the lawn as part of my exercise routine, I had decided to not even go for a ‘ride-on’, but adopt a push-mower to do the job.

Then Minnie came into my life and stole my heart!

Minnie cuts the grass. She is a robotic mower and has me so spellbound that I stand outside for ages watching her work – just like I used to do with a grazing cow. She is just unbelievable; never uses the same routine; can come back tomorrow just to finish a few inches she missed yesterday. Never complains, never answers back… just gets on with it. There is one spot on the driveway where she crosses from one lawn to the other, and you should see her lining it up when she decides to cross. When dusk falls, she turns on her own two small headlights – not that she needs them; but just in case I might bump into her – that’s how much she cares about me.

Like I said, we got off to a bad start because we simply didn’t understand each other. Like with all members of her gender, a man needs to know the right buttons to push. Then one evening, a good friend of Minnie’s, James Lynch, called and introduced us properly. James instructed me quietly on how to manage Minnie. Not only that, but I can now send her messages from my phone.

She looks out for me whether I’m home or away. Her rota is planned in advance, which I can ‘edit’ or ‘override’ at any time – from as far away as Spain. Not only that, but I can see on the map exactly where she is working at any given moment – not that I would like my new BF to think I was spying on her.

Minnie and I have already loads in common. Once or twice a day, I may drift off in my armchair for a little cat-nap… or rather a ‘power nap’, as I prefer to call it. Similarly with my BF, after about three hours work, she will head for her little den, or ‘charging station’ as she calls it, and have a snooze for half an hour. She will always tell me on my phone that she is ‘charging’, ‘heading for charging station’ or ‘parked’. I suppose in order to reciprocate such confidence and trust, it is understandable that I have stared confiding some of my inner feelings to her. I find that Minnie has a very sympathetic ear.

Now, it shouldn’t need to be said, but just in case: I have Wendy, Shirley and now Minnie in my life, but this in no way undermines the pre-eminence of my number one; Mrs Youcantbeserious. Notwithstanding that fact, and in the interests of accurate reporting, I have to tell you that it is only with Minnie that I can send a message from my phone with the word ‘command’ included. And again, like the man said, ‘we’ll leave it there now…!’

Because Minnie cuts the grass so often and so short, it acts like a fertiliser. She ensures that no weeds get to establish on her patch and she leaves no tram-lines after her either. Minnie is so anxious to please that she will even head off to work in the rain and without a murmur of complaint, but I do insist that she takes a break when it’s wet.

All and all, my new BF and I are just so very compatible and getting on like a house on fire!

Don’t Forget

Any friend that turned into an enemy has been hating since day one.