'The struggles of being autistic and how volunteerism can change a person’s social life'

Melissa Keogh, age 16, a TY student at Columba College, Killucan, delivered the following speech at a local round of the Soroptimist public speaking competition for girls and women at the Annebrook House Hotel on November 9 last.

Melissa is on work experience with the Westmeath Examiner for two days this week. In her speech, she dealt with the struggles of being autistic and how volunteerism can change a person’s social life.

The Midlands and East Regional Final of the competition is in Mullingar tomorrow Saturday.

This is her speech:

According to the Oxford Dictionary, ‘friendship is when you feel a sense of mutual trust and support with another person’; to put simply, you feel safe around that person, you can talk about anything and you’re just able to have fun with each other and really connect, if you’re lucky.

However, there seems to be hidden social constructs when it comes to friendships –, why does society like making things so complicated? When it comes to friendships, at least in my experience, especially as you get older, there always seems to be these little social nuances and hidden roles that you have to comply to if you want to fit in and make friends.

Like how you ‘must hang-out with your friends at every lunchtime, even if you’re too overstimulated to do so’ or ‘you must gossip about another person in order to support your friend’s case’, even if it doesn’t make you feel good.

In her book, ‘Different, Not Less, Chloe Hayden writes that 93% of communication is non-verbal, and given that neurodivergent brains tend to not be wired for that sort of communication, we tend to miss it entirely, and that lands us in a lot of sticky situations.

Given that, we may end up completely alone, and that is when we begin to mask.

What is masking, you may ask? Well, Helpline.com defines masking as ‘a social survival strategy’ (source, search article with the headline: Autism Masking: To Blend or Not to Blend).

I masked heavily, especially as I entered secondary school; I played the role of ‘Little Miss Perfect’; I focused heavily on my grades to get outside validation, I was the therapist in my friend group and constantly put on a positive attitude, even when I was too tired and burnt out to really do so.

I was a people-pleaser and while that got me friends, it also got me into a lot of sticky situations.

Many autistic people observe other people’s tone of voice, body language and mannerisms. We hop from group to group, putting on different personas until we find a group that accepts us. We then force ourselves to keep up the facade until the end of the day – until the end of the day, and once we take it off, we are left with a tired, confused, and broken version of ourselves.

We do not know which traits are ours and which ones are fictional to us.

So, what happens when we don’t mask? Chloe Hayden found that 43% of autistic teens never interact with their peers outside of school; 54% have never received phone calls and texts; and 50% have never been invited to a party or activity.

Why should autistic people have to mask their true selves just to get a sense of connection like everybody else?

I certainly felt burnt-out and, at times, isolated for a long time, at least up until I was in third year. But then, a friend I had made set up a little organisation in school called B.R.I.G.H.T. Corporation, where we would research random topics and present them to the class.

I volunteered for it to help support my friend and with our shared love of knowledge, we became even closer as friends. I felt like I could be my true self around him and that began my unmasking journey. I don’t have that many friends now and, while I do feel lonely at times, I really am content with where I am now.

The confidence I have gained from that small step has been immense. I am a class captain and am currently volunteering as a member of my local Comhairle na nÓg. There are 31 councils nationwide and they enable young people to collaborate with decision-makers about the issues that affect them, such as mental health, education and road safety.

I am part of a team developing an app to help students with the stress of exams and study. For anyone who is interested in social justice and making friends with like-minded people, I would suggest volunteering with Comhairle na nÓg.

So here I am, as Bill Clinton would say, ‘changing the odds’ through overcoming challenges, making friends and being an active volunteer in my community. That is why I strongly encourage autistic people to embrace their true selves and their passions.

You like reading? Join a book club. You like dancing but there’s no classes? Set up your own. Embrace yourself, find your tribe and you may gain lifelong friends.

Be kind, be a friend and volunteer in your community when you can, because ‘Volunteerism is an act of heroism on a grand scale and it matters profoundly. It does more than help people beat the odds: it changes the odds’.

What you do matters, be open to opportunities because, as Lydia Maria Child once said, ‘An effort made for the happiness of others lifts us above ourselves’.