It’s a long, long way from Clare to Mar-a-Lago

I love Clare. No Lads, not a woman – the county! The Cliffs of Moher, Spancil Hill, Davy Fitzgerald… We have strong connections with ‘De Banner’ in our house, thanks to Mrs Youcantbeserious. Her second cousin is Seanie McMahon, whom many regard as the greatest hurling centre-back of all time. More McMahons were founders of the Kilfenora Ceili Band and another one founded the first Irish college on the Aran Islands. They are all amazing people, with whom we have always remained in touch – going back as far as the ‘house dances’.

As those of you who are fans of YCBS will have guessed, after such a flowery intro, there is going to be a ‘BUT’, and here it is…

My relationship with one of my favourite counties is under severe strain. In fact, there is a stress fracture in the love affair which could result in the whole thing being broken off. It hangs by a thread and was only saved this month by the fact that a man in America couldn’t get his hands on his confiscated passport.

This is serious – and I’ll let you know how serious, by telling you another story…

I have a first cousin in California. He and his lovely wife have come and stayed with us in Ireland a few times – the last one about six years ago. During their stay here, plans were put in place that Mrs Youcantbeserious and I would go and stay with them in California and from there, head off to spend a week in Hawaii, where they have a holiday home.

Everything was ‘grand’ at this end and ‘awesome’ at the other. Details were arranged between the two women and it was all systems go – until a wheel came flying off the wagon. After knowing my cousin for more than half a century, I discovered something so bad about him that I can’t get over it.

To put things in context, I come from such a long line of black sheep in my family that the only surprise is that there isn’t a flock called after us. But this one is the worst yet: my educated cousin and his professional wife (both recently retired) had helped to put Donald Trump in the Oval Office and continue to be members of that conspiracy cult.

After giving the matter some serious mature reflection for all of four seconds, I informed them that I would never stand on US soil while he is president. The outcome meant no Hawaii, followed by the last six years of dead silence between California and Casa Comaskey…

Clare had better watch out – because I used to love America too: the best of good food, orderly queues, ‘having a nice day’ and ‘just loving your accent!’.

The fact that I have broken off my love affair with the Yanks should make them nervous down in Clare. Only that his passport was (in fact, four of them) confiscated during the raid on Mar-A-Lago, Trump would be in Doonbeg by the end of the month and I would be history. To paraphrase a good Clare politician, Patrick Hillary, ‘you can have Donald Trump, but you can’t have Westmeath!’.

It is difficult to blame the business people of Doonbeg for trying to make a few bob, but if you sup with the devil, you may lose your soul. Trump turns all those who join his circle into liars, and Clare people are not liars… well, maybe Biddy Early a little…!

Mind you, Clare has a bit of form when it comes to adopting a politician who can turn white into black, and then back to white again -– when he looked into his own heart: and we are not talking here about Doctor Bhamjee! Donald Trump doesn’t even bother to cross his fingers behind his back when he is lying!

If Clare opts to hold on to me instead of truckin’ with Trump, just think what a saving this will be for the state in security costs – and all it takes to mind me is a couple of McMahons. I don’t spend much money, it is true, but I am always generous with advice – and here is more of it:

Stick to your hurling, Lads, and to your dancing ‘Gorls’. Remember your decent Irish culture; Lisdoonvarna, Maura O’Connell, Marty Morrissey, Edna O’Brien, Bunratty Castle, The Burren – and I almost forgot Michael Cusack. And there’s more… Just last week the lovely and talented Doctor Ivanna McMahon from Barefield was crowned Miss Ireland.

A timely word of caution for the Clare cousins. When a dozen ship-wrecked sailors could have you all looking like Spaniards, just think of the harm Donald Trump could do with his reputation in that department!? “Lock her up…!”

Don’t Forget

Politics is the only profession in which a person can make a living solely by bragging.