Loneliness is a state of mind

Published: Sat 19 Aug 2023, 12:24 PM

Last updated: Sat 19 Aug 2023, 1:43 PM

The curse of loneliness is increasing and it is now more common in Ireland than in other countries. Loneliness has a severe effect on your health, bringing on an increased risk of heart disease, cancer, diabetes, dementia and faster biological aging. Somebody wrote recently that it has all to do with isolation in Ireland. I beg to differ – if they are talking about physical isolation. I was not lonely during total Covid lockdown, but I was never as lonely as when I lived in a city with half a million population.

My mother died five years ago at the age of 95. The last nine years of her life she spent in that wonderful, vibrant, loving community that is St Camillus Nursing Centre; and she was never happier. She spent those last few years in a wheelchair and one afternoon early on when I went to visit her, she was asleep in the chair in her room. On awakening from her siesta and seeing me, she said; ‘Oh Bernie, I was dreaming I could walk.’ This could have been a sad interlude – and I don’t know how I thought of the answer immediately, but I said; ‘It doesn’t matter that you cannot walk: you don’t live in your legs… you live in your head!’ Mammy repeated that after me and quoted it regularly from then on.

We all live in our heads. Peace of mind and contentment with who and what we are inside will help to ward off loneliness. I once stood in the tiny cell on Robben Island, where Nelson Mandela was caged in solitary confinement for 13 years of his long internment. Despite regular beatings, broken ribs and a barely life sustaining diet, Mandela wrote that he was never lonely because he filled his head with his own thoughts, plans and dreams.

A survey in America five years ago found that 61 per cent of adults felt lonely, and 22 per cent stated that they felt that way all or most of the time. The UK is much better, but nevertheless, 45pc experience some degree of loneliness. Aren’t those figures shocking? And most troubling of all, a European survey reports last month that Ireland has become the loneliest country in Europe. Can you believe that? Here we are; ‘the land of the thousand welcomes’, where the craic and banter are world famous and the social fabric embraces everybody in the community. These are the findings of The European Commission Joint Research Centre.

Some commentators will blame Covid for the loneliness epidemic to have become as bad as it has; but while Covid may have compounded the blight, the high level of loneliness has been spiralling for years. We often associate loneliness with the bereaved, or old people living alone. Understandably, elderly people and those living alone can be starved of social contact and at risk of loneliness, but it will surely surprise you to know that in America, the incidence of loneliness doubles for the 15-24 age group.

The developed world is suffering from a loneliness pandemic. Self-inflicted isolation is having a catastrophic impact on society. Young people of today are only spending 40 minutes a day with friends, whereas that was two and a half hours 20 years ago. The social skills learned from spending time in the company of people they know slightly are being lost. Technology is the biggest culprit here, where cultural and leisure pursuits are now solo pursuits, rather than shared activities. Communication is taken from a distance in order to avoid the slight risk of saying anything face to face. But this new habit is making young people sadder and adding to a sense of loneliness.

This isn’t to say that there is anything unusual about feeling the occasional bout of loneliness… how could we not? We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t shed the odd tear for a departed friend and loved one. And some day, the smallest little thing can trigger off an acute sense of loneliness for someone or for a bygone age. But we cannot allow this ‘feeling down’ to stick.

A sense of belonging goes a long way towards combating the lonely pangs. The average person spends 80 per cent of their day with other people and that is good. But of course we all also need to be alone and enjoy ‘me time’ and the balance has to do with your personality. Some people talk about nothing but themselves and, fact is, that person will be lonelier for not showing an interest in anyone else. But then, we have all come across the person who never talks about themselves and that can be worse. I recently attended the funeral of a friend in their prime, who might still be alive if only that person talked to someone about themselves.

Loneliness is a public health crisis.